• Whatever your current age is... now subract 10
  • ex) if you are 19, you are now technically 9
• Come up with 10 things you would like to inform yourself 10 years ago and why you would like them to know that
  • they can be however you choose: you can suggest one thing for each year, or just ramble and give blanketed advice... you get to choose
  • apparently the fun part in this is talking to yourself as you would any child-- so beware about the language you use, remember...you're an impressionable young kid... don't want to go corrupting yourself.
• The go harass other people to do the same either via a text comment or with a video

1. you're not going to be super tall... at all really. You know all those promises Dr. A has been promising about you growing up to be tall and strong-- what she really meant was you're going to be average-- not the 6'2 she's been promising you, not matter what foot size and bone measurements say-- you'll grow to be about 5'7-5'8 and learn to love it


2. Don't be sad, but within the next year mum and dad plan to move to a new house, no worries they're going to take you and Allison (<---- who as soon as she turns 7 or so you'll call her Allie) with them, not like all those nightmares you had where you wake up and they're gone. You move to a new house in the last week of May on the 20th in 2000-- so you're not going to get the big party mum and dad had been planning for your 11th birthday. Don't be sad though, on your 11th birthday you go on a field trip at school and they finally let you take the bus with the other kids-- you sit next to Jess the whole time and mum even comes with you to chaperone. When you come home that day they're going to have the best present waiting for you and you still use it today-- your basketball hoop.


3. In August 2000, after you get back from Newfound with Shanna and Alex, your parents are going to stay up all night at the kitchen table talking. I know you're sitting at the top of the stairs trying to hear what they're saying because you think they're talking about getting a divorce, but they aren't. Dad is going to come in really early the next day and shake you awake and tell you to get dressed and go to the car. After all your wishing and pleading since you were 6, mum and dad have finally decided to get a new puppy. Your puppy's name is going to be Kelly and like you, she doesn't get much bigger than that.


4. On your first day of middle school a weird kid with blond hair and glasses is going to come up and introduce himself. Introduce yourself back right away, don't stay quiet and stare until he leaves you alone again. He's Elijah, you give him his nickname Ace and he's going to be your best friend after he sticks up for you one day against the class bully-- but he doesn't get any less weird or scary so don't get your hopes up.


5. Don't get mad at dad before he gets on the airplane that day-- I know you were mad he yelled at you, but September 11th isn't the day to do that. He's going to be fine and come home in about a week, because I know you left lunch early to go cry in the bathroom-- but no one else knows that, so your secret's safe with me. Also, mum is really worried, give a her a hug when you get in the door she needs it just as much as you do.


6. Dr. Meehan promised you'd be done with the orthodonist, well guess what, he lied to you. The day before Christmas vacation starts he's going to tell you that you'll need to get braces on January 7th 2002, and you don't even get to miss school because of it. You have braces all throughout middle school and half of freshman year of high school-- but when you get them off you look a little less like a monkey boy.


7. 8th grade is a bad year for you, you attempt a lot of stuff you're going to regret later, but really it does improve-- high school starts amazing and you make some really good core friends that you'll probably keep even when high school is over.


8. Your soccer career ends pretty badly as well, but it's not your fault-- on January 16, 2004 you're going to slip out of mum's car and ruin your knee. You walk with a limp for the rest of high school and everyone is really polite to you while you recover. After it happens you're going to think it's the end of the world, but the time away from soccer gives you more time to write and the stuff that has happened to you has given you a lot of inspiration to write in a way you never had before. Don't shy away from the sarcasm, people learn to love it and against everything dad had said you're going to have a future in it.


9. You get your college acceptance letter the same day you get tickets to the HSM concert (which by the way bud, you might want to ask mum and dad to buy you some Disney stock for your birthday, I know it isn't doing too well when you're young, but something called High School Musical is going to boost Disney revenue *and change your life*), you didn't get into Yale or NYU-- but this school a little closer to home than both called the University of Hartford. You're going to follow your dreams for once and mum and dad are actually going to be really proud of your decision. Dad is even going to pull you aside on graduation and tell you how proud he is-- he cries even, but no one else knew that, so his secret is safe with you.


10. In October 2007, you're going to get homesick and start RPing on High School Musical sites, I swear the movie's not as gay as most people think it is. You're going to make some really good friends all over the world through this and it's going to be your home away from your away from home (which as confusing as that line is, really makes sense). You're going to meet this girl from the Philippines named May, and you two are going to wind up RPing together a lot so much so that you guys start talking even off the site and you even download an Instant Messenger-- I swear as soon as you turn 12 all these computer terms will make sense to you just give it time. You and May eventually become really good friends, but you're going to be stupid around her, even more than with other girls and you're going to relegate yourself to "the friend zone"-- which is not a bad place to be if you're 9... just if you're 18. You guys go through a lot of turmoil together, and yet somehow remain really close friends through it all. In January 2008, she's going to mention how you two are like a couple and you're going to agree, and for some strange reason she's going to ask you to be her boyfriend-- and yes, I know she asks you. But it's okay, over the course of the year you guys fall in love... head over heels, ridiculous smiles, she's the one kind of love and you almost forget about that little thing called distance. Then in February 2009, on the 4th around 2PM... you're going to ask her if she'll marry you, and she's going to say yes and that's when you realize all that friend zone stuff was worth it-- because you're going to get married to your best friend...and it's never going to be boring.

... but then I remember what I've gained and think that I can't be bitter anymore, especially now more than ever-- however I apologize to anyone who is a victim of my sarcasm, that'll never die... my bad.

I had started blogging at the start of this year-- almost last now that I think about it, less than 8 hours now. Anyone who knows me, or has thought to be smart enough to go back to my first blog entry will find me professing "New Year, New Pax"--

to admit, my original intent of that statement was really to keep happy, follow some resolutions, and meet some new people all while keeping alive for the following year...

Cue one of those cinematic moments where the main character says "if you were to come up to me a year ago and tell me ______ happened, I'd __________ (<--- some ridiculous activity that is never performed despite how surprised and awed they are ex. eating a hat, ski off the roof, laugh really hard)

But really... looking back on the New Year last year I really had no hopes, at least not for anything miraculous-- some stability would have been nice.

How I still yen for stability, but wouldn't trade for it by now.

So let's make a list---

New Family

... nope-- hahaha...

Sadly I think the next new family that is introduced will be my kids, so the day it says yes-- we all know what that means hahaha


New Friends

I've had a good mix of the old and new, but to add great people like the Guildies to the list, and some of the Mock Trial team to that list is great, and I'm sure the list would only get longer when I fully join the ASA (which yes, is the Asian Student Association-- I was sorta invited hahaha!)

New Experiences---
***I think reading Breaking Dawn was....an experience *shifty* ***

Also would you believe it didn't take a New Pax to make a New Year, it took the same old one as always realizing that he'd be just good enough for once, not the potential of what could be looming every day.

Other than some self realization, I don't really have anything new and profound, at least nothing that I can put in words: no weddings, no graduations, college has become the same ol-same ol by now.

I did get hearing aids and every day the world is slowly becoming a new place even now at 19 1/2 years old I still hear a nearly new sound every day. I'm so thankful my parents stood behind me, beside me, whatever-- I'm just glad my parents were there for me this time, I owe them more for this year than I can ever imagine. There is some profundity here, but it almost gets lost in the epic of the year, but the world has really become a more opening place, I'd just never realized it before.

Even with this amazing realization about the potential you can have when you just admit you're imperfect,  one thing still stands out above them all.

would you believe a guy like me could actually fall in love?

Actually, let's not lie-- I'm falling in love still, everyday more and more I'm really surprised that I can love someone that much and not explode... but let's face it-- my heart hasn't quite beat the same since then and I couldn't be more amazed.

Awww Pax is being sentimental let's point and laugh as he pours his heart out about how much he loves his girlfriend...

Yeah I know, I've heard the quips before-- lemme have 'em, I'm not going to deny.

So while ignore everyone else I'm going to do a public one on one with my girlfriend... so don't mind me if I start making no sense in 3---2---1---

We're almost at a year now love, because I was never good at rounding in math, I know we just celebrated 11 months, but it's really that beautiful mark 29 days from now that I'm most excited for. I know the whole point was not to prove people wrong, but can I please laugh a little at anyone who said we'd last 3 months? I'm going to do it anyways. I shouldn't be this lucky, I don't deserve it and I certainly don't deserve someone as amazing as you-- but you haven't run away yet, so I'm going to do my best and keeping holding on tight. Just like you said all those months ago that we'd celebrate January together-- we've got this whole year too-- so I think we'll make the best of it.

Oh and just so you know, Jejee loves Yeye just as much and makes the same promise-- as amazing as last year was, this one is going to top that-- which is going to be the most worthwhile overwhelming thing of them all.  Mahal na mahal na mahal na mahal kita, mahal ko

***I just noticed I had zoned off a little and was staring at the closet***-- lawls

Now onto some stuff that's not as sentimental, but still full of awesome.

I'd really like to thank all my friends for really helping to bolster this year, because let’s face it—2007 looked like shit compared to this year, and because all of them helped me out in some way, so I'm going to do my best to quickly make sure everyone gets some type of due.


X-Rays, TGI Friday's, Have you ever woo'ed a Spanish girl?, Paulie Bleeker, uhrrr, Jonas Brothers,how did we wind up at the Airport Diner again?, Why aren't you Asian again Pax?, thanks for making me cry like a little girl Ace, his name is Jacob? WTF?, Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake, Shake It, Drunken Balloon Toss (while sober), MONO! (not to be confused for monkey), I would do that, I hear it's wonderful in Madagascar (or South East Asia depending who rocks the mic), smutstache, no I will not come to Game Day, Pwnlympics I,  hold on.....why do random Filipinos know you?, NAUSEAUOUS, I can haz, muffins gebbin oub>?, Chico lawls, never has kidnapping been so welcomed, Mamma Mia was even a little too gay for me, I completely spaced on that heterosexual part of your life, PLEASE DON"T STOP THE MUSIC, I think I got vodka in my eye, YOUR MOM PLAY'S GUITAR HERO!!!, We could do that-- minusiz mai fro, socks, INUMAN NA!, milk was a bad choice, IF YOU WERE GAY... THAT'D BE OKAY... I MEAN 'CAUSE HEY... I LIKE YOU ANYWAY, Eye-Sex, Oh my god... she looks like Snorlax!, THAT YO' BOYPREN?!, I lobe Amerigaaaa, KONVICT!!!, Bitch be crazy, It's not in English, ....eh..., I heard you have aids...--- and probably so much more than this defined my year, but these are just the moments scattered that I can recall with some clarity.

And if any of this makes sense to anyone, well thank god... because most of it should-- but it's still nonsensical.

For everything else that happened that I've both forgotten, chosen to forgot, and the things I still look back on with a beaming grin it gives me definitely more hope for the upcoming year--- this is the first year in a long time that I've truly made peace with everything and feel that strange almost nostalgia for everything that happened-- it's been like 7 years rolled into one, just that amazing.

The year prior I spoke of this sentimental reality that I wasn’t quite aware of – this future good that I didn’t quite grasp but was forcing on other people to help them thinking there was something worth it beyond the misery that comes from burning bridges and realizing you were wrong. I’d had this unrealistic expectation of how life hits you on an idle Tuesday and you remember something about being young and think of those propagated good times.

Speaking from experience of an idle Tuesday—that moment of clarity comes from the most unclear of times, some of the best memories I have from this year are fuzzy and I only remember parts—but they’re still the things that I’ll remember 10 years, 20 years, 30 years down the road.

Last year my quotes were more profound, I think being a real 19 year old has dulled that, so I’ll let 18 year old Pax speak of the things I desperately wanted to believe—

“The moments we live for that when sitting home one night will hit you... and almost like the happy refrain of a piano in that song you heard once that defined the moment in a cinematic way... the ones that you'll recall when you're old that make you say... damn... I had it good.... 

That's what makes it all worth it in the end of the day.... the future possibility of what it all means”

So maybe this makes no sense, but I’ve learned that maybe it doesn’t have to—after all, some of the greatest answers in my life started as a syntax error… so who knows—sometimes it just takes knowing the equation to understand the whole thing… so that leaves me with the new question…

Pax+2009=…

And I’m not sure yet, but I have 365 days more to find out the future possibility.

1)Fight Night Round 3(PS2)
 
I am a boxing fiend, if it involves punching causing bodily pain to
another person, HOORAY! this is the only type of thing that keeps me
from causing immense pain to actual people on a regular basis--also, 
I can play as Pacquiao :))

2) Green Street Hooligans DVD

It's a movie about football hooligans in Britain-- I always find something
really interesting about the "coming of age, American abroad" kind of
movies. Also it's bloody violent as hell :))


3) Mamma Mia DVD 

So I know at least one of you laughed, yeah... go one... laugh, I'm 
just the guy you want to insult[/sarcasm] But honestly, for as gay 
as it comes off, it was a pretty good movie, personally I just like
the interaction between Sky and Sophie, that's part of the reason I 
really liked it... so... yeah :-?? hahaha


4) Food Boy DVD

As nerdy as it is, I felt the need to have this movie, I already have
the shirt after all, so I felt like it just completed my collection.
Plus, I have this weird affinity for wanting Lucas Grabeel to do well. 
Soul bro thing maybe hahaha (except I am less of a dumbass) 


5) Paprika DVD (yes, I know it’s Japanese hahaha)
To my mother the exact line was "I am aware I am American, I am aware it
is not English, I still love this movie" which I recommend to anyone
who has ever considered taking acid but is straight edge, this is as
close as I'll ever get to a bad drug trip :))

6) Barnes and Noble Gift Card
I love reading, and I'm like a kid in a candy store when it comes to
buying the books I want. I would have asked for books, but no one ever
seems to understand by book tastes... this lets me have my fun.

7)The Year of the Gentleman- Ne-Yo CD
This is strangely probably my favorite album of the year, and I don't
usually buy CDs much anymore, but this one has caught my eye, or my 
ears more likely. I was already really a big fan of Miss. Independent 
and with the more recent release of Mad, I'm definitely loving it. 

8) Hilera- Hilera CD

Shocker... Pax likes something Filipino hahaha... but no joke, these guys
are my favorite band, and just because it's not easy to see them stateside
doesn't mean I can't be allowed to have their CD imported-- plus, 
I can only feel so justified in downloading from Frostwire. 

9) Eyeshield 21- Volume 4

GASP... nerd-manga... hahaha.. but really, I just like sitting back
and reading this stuff when I don't feel like feeling smart of watching
TV, it basically fulfills my intelligent lazy :))

10)Sammy Shirt

10 dollars out of the purchase of this shirt donates money to needy kids, 
so I really wanted to get one, and fast-- I will probably donate
more money when I get some Christmas cash too

11)Learn Filipino Book 1

If one more person asks me about this, I swear... I'm going to 
start screaming in Spanish :))-- this is the textbook I want because
there's no other way for me to learn without people making fun of me :))

12)Jabbawockeez shirt
Because I'm that big of a nerd supporter of these guys, I will probably
buy another one ASAP-- I need a mask and a hat to complete the look :))

13) Common Cold Plush

I'm a nerd, I get sick a lot, my mom thought he was cute-- and I have to agree... I'd enjoy
snuggsin up to this. These products were invented to help kids not be afraid of being sick and
learn what they can do to keep healthy... I like the idea

14) Super Cr3w shirt

I just like crews and clothes, so sue me :))

--- Happy now mum? hahahaha...

and god, I really hope I don't get all of this, I don't care how big my family is-- I really didn't want anything, I just wanted some cash so I could go to A Dong and some cash to help the kids out... this is why Christmas makes me feel like Edward Cullen... we seem like we actually have money :))

However don't let this fool anyone, as much as I asked for, I still have some shopping to do because I had my eye on something really cool-- I'm just curious how it will handle in international shipping :-? hahaha

EMERSON GREY (METT-18) knows very little of the world around him, the only constants in his life have been his doting mother, slightly confused father, snarky sister, and his small crew of friends that made high school nothing short of an adventure. However that’s all about to change as he’s ripped from the only world he knows and tossed into the sudden, semi-fast paced world of college.300 miles from home, Mett has no concept of what college is like aside from what his parents had told him about their brief experiences there, and of course from the movies that he’s lived vicariously through for too long, but now he’s been thrust upon it himself and is slowly starting to realize why he’s the first of his family in at least 25 years to have ventured onto a college campus.

Upon arriving at school Mett is hastily moved into his room and left with the less than eloquent parting words of his father: JOE: “don’t do anything that I would have done, okay?” Oh, and of course there’s the only solace that he’s brought from home to help temper the slight sting of loneliness: his iPod. After an awkward run-in with his new roommate and roommate’s crazy extended family, he decides to make himself scarce and goes out on his own for the first time in his entire life to finally experience the college campus. It is here that bumbling, fumbling Mett Grey collides with ISABELLA (18) for the first time and the two form an awkward friendship around clumsiness, parental abandonment, Swedish Fish, and the doomed reality of being a friendless freshman. It was here that Mett has slowly realized two things about his life: (1) He’s 18 years old and never had a girlfriend, let alone a date, and never factored girls into the equation, that was until now, and (2) it seems to be that his iPod has suddenly decided to behave on its own accord and is slowly foreshadowing his life like all the soundtracks in the movies that he’s hidden behind his whole life.

As the months slowly progress, the soundtrack of his life is only making him more confused, along with the conflicting advice from his popular pretty-boy best friend, MARTY; his roommates—MOOSE, PAUL, and CJ; and of course his all too attached mother about how he should proceed in his awkward friendship/romantic limbo with Isabella, who to all accounts see him as nothing more than a “brother”. This only becomes more exacerbated after he meets KRISTEN (18) who shows him the other side of college and gives him the hope that he might not always be relinquished to the “friend-zone” despite what he’s been taught his whole life. Mett is then torn between friendship, romance, and making the best out of the college experience that he knows how. With all great epiphanies Mett comes to the realization that despite all the learning he’s ever done, or all the experiences he’s never had he learns: METT: I think I’ve realized I don’t know anything about life. ISABELLA: Exciting, isn’t it? Mett then has to come to terms with his first steps into adulthood and how that sometimes what you want, and what you need can be the same thing if you just follow your heart and listen to the music.  

INT. BEDROOM-MIDMORNING

Teenager’s bedroom, clothing scattered carelessly about the room. Room is sparse in terms of furniture. The TV in the corner of the room is softly humming on a blue screen. METT, in the bed gives out a murmur as he rolls over.

DIANE, his mother, enters the room and slowly makes her way through the room, tentatively stepping over the mess on the floor, reaching the window blinds and pulling them up suddenly, pulling the window open.

DIANE

Wakey, wakey Mett.

METT

(grumbling)

5 more minutes… just 5 more… (voice fades)

Diane rubs her forehead exasperatedly as Mett rolls over onto his stomach again. A car door slams outside causing Mett to let out another groan.

DIANE

Emmett, wake up…you have to get ready…

Mett shakes his head into his pillows, grumbling nonsensical words to his mother. Diane grabs hold on Mett’s bed covers. Pulls blankets quickly as Mett falls from bed.

DIANE

(sarcastically)

Oh look, you’re up.

Diane walks out of Mett’s room with a laugh as Mett stares dumbfounded at the carpet.

METT

(sarcastically)

Thanks mom, you’re always a big help

INT. BATHROOM-MIDMORNING

Mett stands in front of the bathroom mirror, staring at himself blankly as yawns pour from his mouth slowly.

METT (CONT’D)

(thinking)

Sometimes I wish I didn’t have to wake up from those dreams.

Mett pulls open the medicine cabinet as the scene slowly shifts to a series of flashbacks.

INT. CIVIC ARENA- NIGHT

High school graduation, students are in the frenzy of celebrating as they throw their caps, the scene centers on Mett who is blankly standing among the crowd listening to an iPod tucked in his robes.

METT (CONT’D)

(narrating)

Presenting the graduating class of 2008, 99% of which have yet to realize that as soon as we leave this arena, nothing is ever the same again.

EXT. MOVIE THEATER PARKING LOT-LATE AFTERNOON

METT (CONT’D)

(narrating)

Welcome to the 1%-- I’m Emerson Terrence Gray, more commonly known as—

INT. CAR- NIGHT

Mett is sitting in a car with his head pressed against the driver’s passenger side of the vehicle. Mett’s friend LEWIS slams on the brakes suddenly, causing Mett to lurch forward and smear along the glass, dropping his iPod in the process.

LEWIS

(laughing)

Mett, Earth to Mett

EXT. BEACH- DAY

Mett is lying on his back on the beach staring aimlessly up at the sky as the sounds of splashing and children playing can be heard around him.  Mett casually turns over and turns up the volume on his iPod and shifts the headphone buds further into his ears.

METT

…Mett

INT. BATHROOM- MIDMORNING

Scene returns to Mett standing in front of the mirror, staring at himself again as he runs the sink slowly.

METT

(thinking)

It makes me wonder if I’m always destined to be that 1%...

INT. LOWER LEVEL-SUBURBAN HOUSE- MIDMORNING

Mett is slowly walking down the stairs, now fully dressed. Diane walks up the stairs ruffling his hair slightly as he passes

DIANE

Welcome to the world of the living

JOE, Mett’s father walks past the stairwell, muttering to himself.

METT

(sarcastically)

Morning, dad.

Mett walks into a kitchen, a girl is seated at the table watching the TV distractedly as Mett sits down and places his head on the table, groaning softly.

LIZZIE

Shouldn’t you be excited?

METT

(thinking)

My sister, always direct

LIZZIE

Well, shouldn’t you?

METT

Probably

Mett hits his head on the table, eliciting another groan

LIZZIE

(audible whisper)

Freak

METT

(thinking)

That’s probably true too.

Door slams and Mett sits up, Joe walks over to the table and sits in one of the empty seats.

JOE

So are you excited?

METT

(thinking)

Survey says…

LIZZIE

Of course not dad, this is Mett we’re talking about.

METT

(thinking)

Ding, ding, ding… We have a winner

JOE

Aren’t most kids excited for college, especially on their move in day?

METT

(thinking)

Damnit… denial-denied.

Mett gropes his hand out blindly onto the table, grabbing for the iPod bundled up in coils inches in front of him. He places the headphone ear buds into his ears and slams the volume up.

THIS IS THE DAY by THE THE plays.

So anyone who knows anything of my course load knows I'm an Intro to Psychology student (only because my college level high school credits weren't transferable due to the time that had passed between my completion of the course and my starting college)

So this is where I beg, really begging anyone to help me out because I need to get results on this, and I thought why not on a site like Multiply (and in the case of my cross posting--- Livejournal as well) , because it connects you to so many freaking people

So to anyone who will step up and be my savior, I really just need to either post this reply here, or sent me a message--- because I really need 30 good accurate results and at the moment I think I can get about 10 from friends and family back home via email, and I can get maybe 10 more from college friends given the amount of time.

So now time for me to go professional

Abstract: I'm conducting this survey to get a greater in depth look view on the sleeping habits on the average person in today's world, and how they compare to people who suffer from sleep disorders such as insomnia or other sleep deprivation agents. The average group I am trying to get results from is college students and young adults and I will be comparing them to other university conducted case studies.

Age: _________ Gender: M / F

1. How long does it usually take you to fall asleep?

a) 0 - 5 minutes

b) 5 - 15 minutes

c) 15 - 30 minutes

d) More than 30 min.

2. On the average, how many times do you wake up during the night (circle the correct response)?

None, 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, more than 6

3. Why do you wake up during the night?

a) biological demand

b) dreams or nightmares

c) external noise

d) other:

4. How many hours of sleep do you normally get each night?

a) 4 or less

b) 4 - 6

c) 6 - 8

d) 8 - 10

e) More than 10

5. Have you been diagnosed with a sleep disorder?

a) Yes

b) No

If so, please name it:

Any questions and concerns should be forwarded to dramatus2@yahoo.com ATTN: Sleep Survey

Thank you for your time and cooperation in filling out this survey!

Sorry it sounds so stupid, it's meant to be something that people fill out in lazy passing and barely notice anything going on, but for anyone who can fill this out and help me, I really will be eternally grateful.

-Pax

After nearly one month of researching, drafting, adapting, theorizing, and developing, it's finally done, so I feel the need to share it since I'm so proud of it ...

A moral is defined as a lesson a principle contained in or taught by a fable, a story, or an event. This definition, while accurate does not answer the important questions regarding morals. What is the importance of meaning in literary fairy tales, precisely the stories in which the moral seems to be the main reason for the story’s telling, what purposes do morals serve in literary fairy tales? Can morals be translated from story to story and mean the same thing, can they span time and still have the same exact meaning, can the same story be told over and over again and have the same result? In my main focus, my belief is that no, this can not be held as a fact overtime and is fallacious because of how each other can interpret. The morals overtime start to show a change due to how the various authors of these same stories view the importance of certain messages, this eventually leads to a literary re-appropriation that shows how the author interprets one story, just as how a reader can interpret a story a certain way. Over the next few pages, I plan to illustrate the reasons why a moral can change overtime and why morals change, and what affect that can have on the grand scheme of stories and morals on a whole.

To first understand what morals mean, it has to be understood what meaning itself means, what it the importance of being able to find a greater meaning? So that question that is simply begged is, what is meaning? Meaning is typically defined as anything that is indicated as significance and importance, so in essence, without meaning and without moral there is no true story. (Tatar, 270) In regards to fairy tales, who is the true audience meant to be, all these stories are being analyzed by adults, when it truth these stories are not fully meant for them, these stories are truly meant to be shown to children. This raises more questions, what can morals mean to a child that they cannot mean to an adult? In reality, morals mean so much more to children because they have so much more to learn. A child must learn to be able to find meaning in life, this is one of the signs of development.(Tatar,271) Experience is one of the things that leads for a child to start to question things in their lives, leaves them with the need to question why things are.(Tatar, 270-271) This is why literature is one of the best mediums for this, through stories; children are allowed to experience things that life may hinder them to, or to possibly view it in some abstract way that they may not be able to view their own lives.  These fairy tales, thought to be the suitable stories for children help to both be entertaining and stimulating while still helping to create further development towards the stages of adulthood.(Tatar, 270-271) This allows for the child to look deeper into himself and to understand that his own feelings, on a subconscious and conscious level and taking the lessons in these stories and finding a way to relate them back to their own lives.(Tatar, 270-272) This shows that even on a psychological level, morals and meaning serve some greater importance in developing the id, super ego, and ego which have a greater affect to future life. In regards to this same idea, Bruno Bettelheim is quoted as saying: “To find deeper meaning, one become able to transcend the narrow confines of self-centered existence and believe that one will make a significant contribution to life…”(Tatar, 269). This reflects to a further standpoint of proving what the importance of meaning is, aside from the lessons that the morals teach, they also hold the key to human development and help to bring a child through the Freudian stages of development and become, in theory, a successful, well-adjusted adult.

Now that they importance of meaning had been assessed, how meaning is interpreted in stories, now there is a need to rationalize why overtime, meanings change and how they change, and the affects these changes have. In looking at the changes in morals overtime the importance can be found in three major focuses: time, location, and the political/social/governmental schema.

Time as a factor can be one of the major reasons for why a moral would change. Through history, stories can be found for every decade, every century, and overtime the original soon starts to separate given the distance of the ages. It is difficult to say that the ideals that were important in the 1600s still stand true in today, just as there is no real relation to the reality of today to the stories of just one hundred years ago. This can be shown by all the adaptations of stories, overtime the relevancy changes. In a story such as “Little Red Riding Hood” the moral that is taken at face value is not to go wandering in the woods, in a sense it is the first type of story that emphasizes the modern idea of “stranger danger”. However, when these stories are looked deeper into, it is shown that children today seem to have very little in common with the children in those stories. How common is it to find that a child has been wandering in the woods at this day and age? These stories have to change in a sense to fit to the modern conditions of the day, because soon the stories become too irrelevant and serve no relation to the original purpose. This is one of the reasons that adaptations are born. These adaptations change so that the children of today can still take some semblance of meaning out of these stories, whether at the end it is the same as the original author had intended. This is all determined by how the reader reads certain motifs as well as how the newest author displays the motifs for a larger meaning of their own purpose.

Time is not the only factor that can change a story, another factor that plays into how morals change overtime is locations as well, and how every nation seems to have their own take on stories. As an example, certain things like this are not always related to fairy tales, but sometimes a prime example can be found in other mediums. What is important to one particular country may not have the same meaning as another. If this remark were in truth true, than why have so many versions of the same story, why allow for so many retellings if the story is the same? In truth it is because the story is not the same, and in certain cases the stories may be exact retellings, or they may be only a slight homage to the original. Take a story such as “Beauty and the Beast”, it is story that has French origins, being the story had to be translated from French, but in looking there can be found many versions, and since there is no such thing as a perfect translation there can be no such thing as a perfect replica, every adaptation must in turn bring its own cultural ideals that reflect that people as well as the current events of the time.

The last more important feature of why morals change are how on nation can change a story for its own needs. In this way such as using fairy tales as propaganda to serve a larger purpose of a political, social, or government angle in regards to how these stories are shown. Given that these stories are originally intended for children in certain cases, fairy tales can operate on a “educate them when they are young angle”. This allows the morals to be manipulated for nationalist purposes, a prime example of this being the case of how propaganda was used in Nazi Germany to further help to enforce Hitler’s regime. Fairy tales were easy targets in reference to propaganda because fairy tales are something that could be found in most homes during the war, and were even referenced to have been encouraged as a way to maintain status quo, for the children to ignore the war around them being continuing life as normal. In that way it allowed for these works to continue to stay in peoples’ homes and continue to keep reinforcing the ideals they needed to get across. Another factor that helped is that since fairy tales are the medium to help with development, the fact that certain developments had not occurred allowed for certain actions and reactions to take place of the typical responses. This idea was only pushed further by the idea that children are least likely to try and differentiate fiction from reality and therefore make a point to apply what they read to their everyday lives. In this sense, fairy tales went from being just the stories they had once been, with basic implied morals, to suddenly becoming a form of nationalistic “how-to” manual to serve for some grander unintended purpose from the story. The fact that most stories are not originally written with the intent of inspiring national fervor sets the implication that the morals that had once been assumed to be inherent for the reader had once again been changed. The morals that were once inherent had been twisted and altered drawing away from the original idea of the story, ultimately causing the moral to change even if that had been the intention in the first place.

As mentioned prior, for these deviations to occur, the motif has to be altered to possess and alternate meaning than found in other stories, but before delving into this, another question of grander importance has to be asked. What is a motif, how does it function in a story, and how does changing it affect the overall intent of a story. A motif is defined as a recurring subject, theme, idea, etc., esp. in a literary, artistic, or musical work, or in this case, a fairy tale. There are a myriad of motifs that can be found in stories, some of them very iconic elements to the stories that we all know, and some of the others are minimal in importance but still serve some large intention in the ending moral. These motifs, iconic or not, all possess and inherent meaning that is meant to be recognized overtime. The original stories soon become the basic standard to base, meaning that anything that changes from how the original story would be considered a variation, and therefore would more than likely result in a deviation from the original idea presented.

To get a better knowledge on motifs and how they function to the overall moral and meaning of the story, and it is necessary to first investigate which stories have the most iconic motifs, as well as which motifs seem to have the most overlap from story to story. With the assistance of the Antti Aarne and Stith Thompson, there is a source for knowing exactly what motifs mean what in which story and what certain idea exemplifications mean.(Tatar, 375) So to relate in to later passages in the story, the main focus of motif that will be looked into will be concerned with stories that mirror  “Little Red Riding Hood” and “Hansel and Gretel”, taking into consideration how commonplace these stories are even today to children.

Little Red Riding Hood

So to first take “Little Red Riding Hood” as an example it has to be determined what elements in the story can be found in almost all the versions of the stories, what elements make “Little Red Riding Hood” different from just another random fairy tale. To answer this, it seems that in all versions of the story some of the more common and iconic elements that can be found are: the red hood, the wolf, the hunter, the forest, and the grandmother. Now it may seem that these items are fairly banal and have no real affect, in certain cases they are just the players and the setting of the story, but in truth they mean so much more. Now determine the overall moral of the story, it has to be indentified in what context of importance they serve as well as what changing them means. The red hood, one of the things that truly makes the story what it is, all the ideas exemplified by the color red, the color thought to be one that represents sensuality, violence, death, fear, anger; a myriad of emotions that, though closely related to one another in some aspects, vary enough that the story could have enough of a deviation that could make reading the story completely different if read from one angle and not the other. For one example, say that the red hood is red as an expression of sexuality, all these experiences budding in a young woman as she tries to navigate adulthood, which could be represented as the woods. The story then could in turn be considered an ode to sexual and sexuality, as well as the development of sexual desires, as well as getting past the constraints that certain things in life cause in regards to sex. If the story is read this way, the wolf could be identified as unbridled passion and sexuality, and the hunter could become the exemplification of self control, meaning that by the time the hunter shows up, that shows the complete circumference of a child’s sexual knowledge and understanding. However, what if the story is read differently, what if from the start of the story, the outcome is already different, and how would this be caused? In the previous example, the color red was shown to represent sensuality, but what if instead this time the color red was taken to mean something such as violence, or fear? If the color red was meant to stand for violent tendencies, then the story could be read in several ways, either as a way of reading violence as a preventable thing, an idea a child therapist might using when dealing with a child which issues in controlling anger and boundaries, or the story could even be viewed in some ways as the atypical guideline for the future, gory horror films that dominate the screen in a similar way. In the first example of violence the story could be read that the young girl in the story is shown to be the temptation of violence, the dark idea that looms in the back of everyone’s minds. With this theory in mind, you have the woods standing for a similar thing, an unknown experience that a child or adult must navigate. In this context then, the wolf could stand for anything from the embodiment of the results of violence, showing this after he devours both the young girl and the grandmother, or the wolf could also be the symbol of unbridled violence. These conditions which are relieved by the hunter who serves as either a deeper understanding of how the world works, or rather could be viewed as the standard to live by, being shown as the ultimate good in either scenario. This story is just one example of how the deviations in a normative idea can be altered to transcend the supposed inherent meaning that the original author had intended, there are still many more stories in which the meaning can be skewed and altered into a new idea.

Hansel and Gretel

The story of Hansel and Gretel is in certain aspects just as common and iconic as a story like “Little Red Riding Hood” and therefore, is a good story to use as the next example in how the change in motif ultimately changes the meaning of the inherent morals. Once again, to analyze the story, the motifs must be defined by the elements that commonly appear from each retelling, some of these elements including: the children, the witch, and the house.

With the aid of Aarne and Thompson’s ideas again, it can be seen that even in the various versions of the story again, there seem to be deviations even in how the story opens with the children. There typical antagonist in the story is shown through the symbol of a with, though it some cases it is in ogre the meaning seems intact, and while that idea seems evil, the story must be further looked into. In one version of the story it is said that the children were wandering in the woods and stumbled upon the house in which the proverbial antithesis to good lives, but after looking further, there is more mention of the child being abandoned. These ideas presented seem to change the overall tone of a story. In an event where the child is wandering in the woods, the ultimate idea presented is that children should not go wandering in the woods, or on  larger schema of today’s standards should be more aware of their surroundings because they might not always be in a place they can consider safe. However, if the idea of abandonment is taken into consideration when considering what the whole story means, from a psychological angle in may show the affects of an unsafe attachment with one’s parents. The idea that a child could so easily try and find comfort in somewhere that could potentially be of danger shows the importance of a well adjusted family for a well adjusted child.  Some of the repeated motifs that can be found by Aarne and Thompson are the disguising of the voice, such as in Little Red Riding Hood; the children, something that makes the story relatable to whom it is being told; the disguise, once again an idea presented in Little Red Riding Hood that something malevolent can be hidden simply and it must be further looked into to understand; and the eventual rescue of the children from either the oven, a sack, or the stomach of the beast in question. (Tatar,375.). With all these ideas being presented and overlapping all at once, many ideas can be formed, but ultimately they all seem to stress back to the main idea of the behavior of children and what certain behaviors mean. This story can be viewed differently just by who is telling it; a parent may view this story as warning they feel they need to deliver to their children about how to behave, but a child may read it a different way, citing a slight co-dependent angle because all the problems that befall the children all occur away from a figure of authority and safety. With all this in mind, it is obvious how in this case, the moral cannot be inherent because there are too many tangents and ideas being presented by the story, that soon it becomes almost like a “Choose-Your-Own Ending” type of story. This means that the story can be split apart and analyzed and then put back together in a manner that serves whatever purpose it is intended by weaving in themes and ideas that may not be found in the original of the story, if there is even a standard original in this case.

Are morals inherent, are ideas universal, can one uniform truth stand true from story to story. The answer is no, this is almost impossible to manage given all the adaptations of motifs, the moral has to change. On top of all this, moral must change to accommodate a change, just as times change, the people change with it and therefore need their own stories and life lessons to live by. Does this mean, however, that morals should be forgotten because the meaning is not implicit? Once again, this is another negative idea, morals still serve an importance, the meanings themselves hold some key to helping children develop a greater understanding about themselves and about their lives on a whole. The only idea present by morals in fairy tales and folktales is the idea of a uniform, inherent moral given the adaptations over time, culture, and location. There may always be a standard of  which the stories are judged, and stories may possess an original intended moral, but given all the aforementioned ideas, there can never be just one presented idea as long as writers and readers have their own personal agendas and ways of interpreting things.

-I keep some of the more dense ideas out, as well as a few irrelevant theories and my works cited page, but this is basically what my whole RPW-HON 183 grade rests on... oh boy

-Pax

So today out of immense boredom, and slightly responsibility I actually sat down to draft out my schedule for Fall Semester so I could assess how much sleep I can deprive myself of without dying

So this is how my Sophmore Fall looks (Sophmore... whoa! haha... that's new)

Monday:

Philosophy 110- 10:30-11:20  (get no misconceptions, this is not out of some profound desire, it's a Gen. Requirement here... ugh)

Storytelling for the Screen-12:30-1:20

Honors Literature- 1:30-2:45

and possibly to be an overachiever

Forensics- 5:00-7:20

Tuesday:

American Government- 10:50-12:05

Contemporary Mathematics- 3:30-4:45

Wednesday:

Thursday:

American Government- 10:50-12:05

Contemporary Mathematics- 3:30-4:45

Friday:

Philosophy- 10:30-11:20

Storytelling for the Screen- 12:30-1:20

The Forensics course is still up in the open for now becase having that many classes may cause me to eat my hats at random... but I picked these courses for two of the most self serving reasons

1) I really built it on this reasoning so I could have as much time with my girlfriend as I do now... and I didn't want too much to get in the way of that

2) I like to nap... often and a lot... and I like to stay up late... so these things became really important when determing

                             a) can I sleep in?

                         -and-

                             b) are the classes short enough that my ADD doesn't cause                     the teacher a premature wish for death?

I was going to do an Honors Seminar... but it would be the same time as Forensics... so *shrugs*... I need to talk to my womanizer of an advisor

Sitting on my bed at the moment, slacking off after finishing French about 2 1/2 hours ago and working constantly on my Carribean work from then on out...

Call this break time

Today has been one of those typical lazy days for me, and when I say lazy, even I'm appalled at how lazy I could be today. I originally woke up at 8:30 AM, and then laughed at the realization of the time Leo's microwave was screaming at me, so I passed out again much in the equivalent way people would assume if I was a drunken frat guy.

Fast forward to 9:30... my alarm blaring The Postal Services "The District Sleeps Alone Tonight"... logged on my computer for a little bit to check to make sure there was no class cancellations or states of emergency in any way shape or form, making sure the storm we had last night stayed isolated to 4th Floor watching the lightning strike trees and going.... whoa!

Eventually the pain in my chest crept up again, and I couldn't stay awake long enough to civily get any of my morning work done, so I just crawled back into bed, resetting my alarm for 10:40... the perfect example of my laziness being that on most days I would be up by then and bouncing around the room like a madman...

10:29... I woke up to another bloody nose, we call this a bad omen, so I finally lumbered out of bed, and fall into my closet for a minute... just lying there until I could sit up and grab my "U Can Act" Tshirt and trying to find my pants again... my Killswitch Sweatshirt missing again so I had to go to class sans jacket...

11:31... I got to French as Dr. Ealy was handing out the quizzes we took the other day.... I got a check... not stellar, but not bad so it's not getting tossed out into the bin by my back.... then we did partner work for a bit nothing too bad... except my hatred for my Duett makes it hard for me to want to wear it to class... so I stopped wearing it...

11:40... I am already too ADD for French class, and Chantille is next to me and falling asleep which doesn't make it any easier, just makes me wish I could be back in bed sleeping....

New Thing I learned today: I actually like Strawberry Jelly...

I'd never had it before today, but I didn't feel like getting peanut butter on my head again, so this time I just doused my bagel in the closest thing I could reach... it wasn't bad... I'd have it again I think....

I am now feeling painfully tired again and I want to go eat.... but I can't because I swiped in for lunch... I'm sure someone will have eaten all the sprinkle donuts by the time I can swipe in again.... damn

I just finished my Caribbean paper, current events... it's boring, and we have a quiz I'm to be studying for...

Would it help if I said I just wanted to tan...

Damn...

My class is at 5... and extends until....  *shuffles through papers*

Well that's not important.... I leave when she stops talking and walks away... it's when I can finally wipe the saliva from my lip and start working to get rid of the red mark that has formed on my face leaning on it for nearly 2 hours...

My suitemates laugh that everyday I wake up and say 1 month, 1 week, 5 days...

Tommorow is 4 days... I can smile that everyday it lessens by one day

37 mins until I can go eat again... HOORAY

And to think... I still have tomorrow's hell day to get through... ugh... college... gotta love it

-Pax

Nothing in particular happened today which is what makes it so boring to write about... I don't even remember today... but I still have to talk about it so that mum doesn't think I'm going to go nutso on her in my "cave"

I woke up at 10:30 this morning in the most imagineable pain possible, my spine stinging from the remnants of the flu still wracking my body like the unwanted monster it is on my morale and my psyche.

My mom seeing this let me sleep in like the saint of the woman she is... so glad for that since we were supposed to go to the mall today... or rather yesterday now and pillage the local mall and sift through the racks of the JC Penney and the Filenes and on the off ocassion that Sears would have something too...

I need more sweatshirts, my shoulders are just too big for most of my clothing, curse me and my slightly hulk-ish build  .

I woke up again at 2:30 and slumped down on the couch beside my mum, who joked about my hair and then went into a lengthy discussion about the next few days and how I should sleep in my room soon and how I should clean and do homework and all that fun stuff.

I did none of that today

I then proceeded to finally check my mail for once and then did some "house cleaning" with my computer... you'd be surprised how filled my search history was... I don't even want to know how ADD I was for some of the things to be there.

I then did my favorite fallback of RPing...and then just not using my brain all day... which is really my favorite way to make use of my grey matter... not using it at all...

I had lunch sometime around 4 and aimlessly flipped through all the channels... focusing mainly on Family Guy and Futurama until the program I'd been waiting for all day to come on...

American History X... it's a good movie if you can get past all the remarks of racism as well as sexual content and violence... it's litered with that but it overall despite all those elements if a very good portrayal of the Aryans as well as other varieties of racism.... perfect analytical piece for a Filmie  

After that I just decided to do some harmless.... ok time to use a term I've learned this week... at the moment I am soundtrippin'... haha... .... now if I weren't such a nerd I wouldn't be so amused by teen vernacular... I still need to have teenager translated for me now and again... it's like a language I will never grasp fully....

Tomorrow or today rather is the day I'm supposed to go eat lunch with Dad and my aunt... and it's also Jonah's 19th... so that should be an amazing way to spend Good Friday

Off to read... or maybe sleep

---Pax

It has been reccomended by my mum that as the stress of returning to school on Monday approaches, and being without a break for about two months after... I'm supposed to start writing a daily log to let my brain drain everyday... so yes in a sense I have been order to keep a "Diary" but I prefer to refer to it as a journal or possibly a log.

It sounds more formal than when the school therapist request I keep an "Angry Book"...

I think this needs some explaining... in the middle of my senior year I suffered a mental break down... a very violent one at that... it would have been just about a year ago now that I woke up in such an unexplained rage that I ripped 6 shirts it half, turned my mattress off my bed, threw my box spring off the bed, and proceeded to break glass bottles and then sitting in the corner of my room shaking until my alarm rang the next morning... my mom coming in and just sitting down on my level and hugging me while I shook so violently out of my own shame....

I never told anyone but my mum, the therapist, and later my best friend Eli...

It's still my silent shame...

Today I felt those same feelings creeping up on me again... and they warned me if it happened again they would put me on pills... and I don't want that just yet.... so here it goes... the painful documentation of my days

 Wish me luck

For those of you who don't know, I've been working on writing a book, and this is actually just the prologue to it so far, it's slightly autobiographical, but still mostly fiction in the sense it is just so nonsensically true. I don't have the summary written yet so be looking for that within the next few days/weeks.

So without further ado, enjoy the Prologue to "The iLife of Emerson Grey"
_______________________________________________________________________________________________



            Insert the imaginary feedback of the awkward introduction to my life.

Testing 1-2-3

I’ve never seen myself as a David Copperfield, so I can only introduce myself in the best way I know how, Emerson Terrence Grey legally, Emmett Grey due to the fact my mother regretted naming me Emerson shortly after my birth, prefer to be called Mett due to the fact the letter ‘E’ makes me cringe for some arbitrary reason. Aged nearly 18 years old, eldest child and only son of my two slightly overbearing and loving parents who are just short days from letting me go, finally. Older brother to an annoying younger sister who has the pure habit of never being wrong, even when she is, her own small brand of vindictive fury makes it so you doubt fact. I think I love them, the jury is still out on that one, but the point is moot at the moment.

                My life really starts next week.

Yes, finally after four years of hell and something about a hand basket which I never purely understood, I am graduating from the same prison that will be clutching tight to my sister’s soul for the next four years.

                Can you hear my pity for her even now?

                The only thing after that I must endure is my eighteenth birthday which is approaching faster and faster than the sword of Damocles tied to sewing thread .It’s actually slightly annoying, the pressure put on you to merely let time happen without even the slightest of protest. I’ve been told, over and over again I might add, I’m meant to have an epiphany of the man I’ll be and that suddenly it will be like the sun has finally risen on my young life.

                Thank you, Dr. Phil.

                There’s also going to college in the fall and reaffirming my life, and leaving the high school environment and being a young adult… and blah blah blah…

                College is just high school 2.0, and gee if I’m not excited for that.

                Can you hear my dripping sarcasm even now?

                I don’t know much about epiphanies, but I think they’re meant to sneak up on you on idle Tuesdays when the only thing you thought you had to do was laundry.

                Speaking of sneaking up, my mother has just popped up at my side to announce she has an early birthday gift for me.

                Oh joy.

                It’s a small box, so I guess this will test the theory of whether big gifts really do come in small packages after all.

                Doubt it, sincerely.

-Mett Grey

 Oh yeah

.... so....

Raise your hand if you have a slight thought that everyday Jessica Alba walks up and walks to her mirror, washes her face, and then turns back with a stern face and says.

"I am Jessica Alba Fantastic"

I just have an image of her getting pysched up to that... and having her ringtone being "So Jessica Alba Fantastic" repeated over and over again...

So yeah....

----so Edward Paxton Fantastic

Today I was walking, in the typical fashion to check my mail after getting lunch, this tends to be the time I am most pensive, but that might be my own self serving love to eat and be happy.

I have had plans to write a book for quite a long time, it's just been one of those things I felt I needed to achieve to be a successful person, and before it is asked...

I know that a remark such as this is slightly unbecoming, but I wish to make me father eat his words in regards to me writing.

I love the man, but honestly, he has no view on what happiness is, and that it can be coupled with success...

But I digress again, this is not the room for the follies of the relationship with my father.

I am re-writing my book with a new plot in mind, because while the story doesn't have an ending, at least none that is concrete enough for me to die tomorrow...

At the very least, it now makes sense to me, it is the real story, the one I'd been trying to tell all along, so I just come to say:

I have found a muse in the irony of my own life...

It is no longer what it was meant to be, I don't even know where I was going with the other story, but here is the site where I was hosting my original book idea, I am closing that site soon and opening another one....

http://themissingpaxtonpages.blogspot.com/

I was originally proud of this story, but now it's just the hack job of a young writer...

The story of Emerson T. Grey needs to be told... ...

---the in works title for the new book is called iLife... but that's just so the site has a name and I have a tag to save it under on my computer

I start this in the simplest way I know how, only to find I was never as simple as I ever assumed to be... this is one of those things I never saw before... this is just one of the reasons I can never fully articulate how much I love her.

My Valentine's Day started at 12:35PM on February 13th

...Laugh all you want at that fact... in my mind... I was running late for wishing it to her as many ways as I can

just to give a comparison...

On a good year... I even hate Valentine's Day

It is that day you are reminded of subtle truths:

you are alone

you are unloved

you are to be surrounded by the mush and the fluff and the absolute lies as told by every other couple that day...

This is the lie I had myself convinced to

I never saw the point in telling someone how much you love them on that day alone, why does it matter that day than the others...

the truth:

I doesn't matter more...

At least... not to me

I love her the same everyday, and I hope she knows that.

If Valentine's Day is the only day that merits this love-haze insanity, then let everyday be Valentine's Day for me...

I would give her a rose every single day if I could, and I would in hoping that I could be suave and debonair for two seconds, but rather... I try and be suave and flirty... and I spill soda in my lap, I fall off my bed, I smack my head on the door or the wall or the computer...

And strangely the one fact that makes me feel like maybe, just maybe it doesn't matter:

She chose me

So I have to address certain things:

I am not normal, so that shirt she told me about it a lie... her next boyfriend was not normal... rather the furthest cry from it...

I am a romantic... strike me dead if I'm lying... but even if she didn't ask it of me... I would go find a rowboat and drag it as far as possible just to make her smile and make the squea noise that I just keep making everyday, all the time.  

I don't know how to say what I feel... so I blather on to her always missing the point... and yet I know she understands... I am very much the person who was born with two helpings of brain and not enough heart... so as much as I can say how I feel... I can never do enough...

and one last thing I've come to realize:

Words mean nothing...

This isn't to say they have no real feeling or heart behind them... but rather... it's not the words you say... it's how you feel when you say them.... so at the moment... I don't feel any real words, I can't muster any... how I feel can only be summed in the words of others... or even in the simplicity of a musical score...

So... to leave her with how I feel... I leave the song I hear the does the best I can say... to not articulate in words how I feel...

I can only in express in the most John Forbes Nash of ways...